


從此不再寄戀 {From now on, I will never again give away my love}

by fishhideout



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 19:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21082193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishhideout/pseuds/fishhideout
Summary: It's late in the afternoon when Luhan stumbles across a tattered notebook.





	從此不再寄戀 {From now on, I will never again give away my love}

**Author's Note:**

> (Luhan/Kai. PG-13. 2,666w. 20140111. angst. AR.)

It's late in the afternoon when Luhan stumbles across a tattered notebook.

The sun hangs low in the sky, colouring it with ember light. Luhan is in one of the dance studios in the SM Entertainment building. It is the one that hardly anyone else uses, as it is the furthest down the corridor of studios. Most trainees wouldn't bother taking the long walk down that corridor, choosing to stay with their friends in the other studios. It is, however, Luhan's favourite studio since it is where he can practise alone, away from the judging eyes of the other trainees.

The studio had seemed rather dusty when he first entered today, so he decided to clean the studio. Luhan intended to search for a mop in the storeroom within the dance studio. As it was his first time entering the storeroom, he took his time to take in the sight. The room was empty, save for a mop placed within a bucket and leaning against a metal shelf. As he took hold of the mop, he caught sight of a notebook, tucked away into a corner of the shelf.

He lets go of the mop and reaches for the notebook. It is covered in dust — but a much thinner layer of dust compared to that on the surfaces of the metal shelf. It hasn't been left here for long, it seems. He flips open the notebook.

It is then that he realises it is a diary; handwritten words filling the page he flipped to. Apart from _8 wol 28 il_, which is written on the top right corner of the page, Luhan has to squint to decipher the messily written syllables; his weak grasp of the language isn't helping matters either. He is not given much time to look through the diary before he is interrupted.

"That's mine."

Luhan startles and spins around to see a boy, who looks younger than Luhan, standing near the door. The boy is also much taller than Luhan.

"Sorry," Luhan apologises as he closes the diary, and moves to pass it back to the boy.

"It's fine, just put it back where you found it. I'm Kai, by the way," the boy introduces himself. Surprised, Luhan stops in his motion, and hesitates a little before turning around to put the diary back on the shelf.

When he turns back towards the door, he is met with Kai's intense stare which sends a shiver down his spine. He's heard of the many incidents of Chinese trainees getting bullied; he silently hopes it is not his turn just yet.

After a moment, Kai smiles and asks, "What's your name?"

Luhan feels a sense of relief looking at Kai's smile: Kai's not here to pick on him.

"Luhan," he replies.  
  


* * *

  
After the first encounter with Kai, Luhan continues to hang out with Kai at the deserted studio during his free time. In the past month, Luhan learned that Kai has been a trainee since 2007, but is 4 years younger than Luhan. He is really good at dancing, so he gives Luhan some tips whenever they practise together. He has 2 sisters and aspires to be a world-class ballet dancer. In turn, Luhan tells Kai about how he'd dreamt of being a soccer player, but that dream changed, ever since he was scouted, to being a renowned idol. He tells Kai about his family — his family, that have never once supported him in achieving his dreams.

Kai seems to be very sociable, yet he is always alone whenever they meet. Then again, Luhan only ever meets Kai in the deserted studio, so it isn't all that surprising for his friends to leave him alone in favour of training in the other studios. Kai always seems to reach earlier than him, already present in the studio whenever Luhan enters; and he always leaves after Luhan.

Strangely, when Luhan mentions Kai in conversations with the other trainees, no one seems to know who Kai is.  
  


* * *

  
"Are you crying?"

Luhan startles, glancing up to see who the intruder is as he wipes away his tears furiously. His mind is working slow today, tired from the hectic schedule and the overwhelming emotions that’s been building up within him in the past week.

"It's you," Luhan lets out a choked sigh of relief as he realises it's just Kai. Kai stands a little ways in front of him, looking unsure of what to do.

It isn't one of their scheduled meet-ups in the studio; Luhan decided to come to the studio to find solace in this space where he can be alone. Yet, Kai is here. Slowly, it dawns on Luhan that Kai might be here to practise, and that Luhan is preventing him from doing so. At the thought, Luhan apologises for the disruption.

"No, it's okay, I'm not- I'm not here to practise." Kai replies quietly as Luhan makes to stand and leave. It's an affirmative that Luhan can stay, so Luhan sits back down, pulling his knees to his chest once again.

There is a moment of calming silence as Kai sits a distance in front of him, before Kai asks, just as quietly, "What's up?"

Luhan takes a few breaths in an attempt to recover from his emotional breakdown as he thinks about Kai's question. His mind is still unclear, when his mouth moves to reply, "Do you ever feel like you're all alone?"

Surprised by his own slip of tongue, he sneaks a glance at Kai. Kai's concerned expression hasn't changed, so he ploughs on as he leans his chin on his arms perched on his knees, "it's so tiring, to chase a dream when everyone around you is bent on persuading you to do otherwise. It's as if it really is 'me against the world'.

"At times when it gets tough, I start to think if they were right; that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now, that this dream isn't worth all the emotional torment I'm going through." Luhan stops hesitantly as he realises he has probably talked too much. It's strange how comfortable he is around Kai, even though he's just met him a little less than three months ago.

"I know what you mean," Kai says, with his eyebrows furrowed. "As you know, my dream is to be a ballet dancer. But everyone I know laughed at me when I told them that.”

"Except you," Kai corrects himself, before giving Luhan a small smile.

"When I first became a trainee here, I thought maybe what I liked was dancing, not only ballet. When I knew that wasn't the case, I then tried to persuade them to produce a ballet star out of me instead. I was rejected time and time again, of course. I thought about leaving, but I couldn’t, because I had already signed the contract. They said I was good at dancing, and I could debut as a lead dancer, but ballet was never the _dancing_ they talked of. I felt really alone then."

Luhan is surprised; he hadn't expected Kai to have such woes as well. Kai had always spoken about how his family supported his choice to join SM Entertainment. Luhan had been envious of the support Kai had received, that he didn't realise that Kai's dream has never been the same as his, that the support Kai received in achieving his _own_ dream was the same as Luhan did: none at all.

This knowledge that they're going through the same predicament, ironically reassures Luhan. He finds himself feeling even closer to Kai now that he knows they're on the same boat. The thought sends a bubble of laughter through him, causing him to chuckle as he points out, "Maybe we're not as alone as we think."

Kai smiles warmly at him, and says, "I'll be here for you."

Luhan feels his face heating up at Kai's smile. _How had he not realised he's already falling?_  
  


* * *

  
Luhan walks towards the table near the centre of the cafeteria after filling his tray with a plate full of _japchae_. Minseok, a fellow trainee, had invited Luhan to grab lunch together at the cafeteria today. Minseok is his closest friend in SM Entertainment besides Kai, but the intimacy he feels with Minseok is far less than with Kai. In fact, it is more apt to call Minseok his closest _acquaintance_. He places the tray on the right of Minseok before taking a seat. Chanyeol, another trainee, is sitting across him, and Joonmyun, the trainee whom everyone knew, sits by Chanyeol's right side.

Luhan catches a bit of their conversation as he sits down beside Minseok. They are discussing about the photos that Joonmyun has developed. Luhan looks up to see Chanyeol picking up a photo from the stack lying on the table. As Luhan turns his focus back onto his plate, something catches his eye. No, not something, _someone_. He turns back to see someone very familiar on the photo that is currently at the top of the stack. Unconsciously, he reaches for the photo, bringing it closer to him.

"Kai," Luhan whispers as he takes a good look at the photo.

"You know him?" Joonmyun asks, sounding surprised. Luhan looks back at Joonmyun as he continues, "That's Jongin; he was a really good dancer back then."

Luhan mouths Jongin's name, slightly confused. Jongin looks so much like Kai, but Kai had never mentioned a _twin_ before. Then again, Luhan had suspected Kai wasn't Kai's true name. This thought hits Luhan with the perception that maybe Kai is Jongin's nickname.

"It's a pity he's not around anymore; he was one of the most promising trainees around," Joonmyun says with a quiet voice, sounding a little wistful.

"Not around?" Luhan is even more confused now. He saw Kai just last night, hadn't he? The way Joonmyun said it, sounded as if Jongin went somewhere far away.

Joonmyun gives Luhan a sad smile as he says solemnly, "he passed away around the end of March." The end of March, that was a few weeks before Luhan became a trainee.

"But I just saw him in the dance studio last night," Luhan says, with a tinge of hysteria.

"What do you mean you saw him?" Minseok asks, as the three of them turns to stare at Luhan as if he's gone crazy. "There is always only you in that dance studio. Are you okay?"

Luhan reflects on the way Kai had always looked not solid, something which Luhan attributed to his own eyes playing tricks on him. He reflects on the way he has never heard Kai entering the studio, the way Kai easily sneaked up to him time and again. He remembers how Kai had always "arrived" before him and "left" after him, and suddenly it all clicked. Kai had probably never left the studio to be able to "arrive" after him. Suddenly, it all makes sense, how no one else seemed to know who Kai is. It all came down to one conclusion: Kai is a ghost.

A hand on his shoulder shakes him out of his reverie. Luhan turns to Minseok and gives him a weak smile as Minseok shifts his hand back onto the table. "I'm fine," he replies, before turning to look at the rest as well, "I must have seen wrongly."

There is slight awkwardness in the atmosphere and a moment of silence before they pick up the conversation again by changing the topic. Luhan nods along and hums at the appropriate points, but really, he isn't listening anymore. His mind can't seem to stop thinking about Kai.  
  


* * *

  
Luhan does not go to the deserted dance studio for the next four days. It is only on the fifth day that he decides to go there. He is afraid, but there is something pulling at his heart to go back to the studio, to confirm. Unknowingly, it is the hope that he is wrong that is pushing him to hear it for himself.

When he enters the studio, Kai turns to look at him. Kai moves to speak, but is cut off by Luhan.

"You're Jongin?" Luhan asks, but it's more of a statement than a question.

There is no reply, only the raising of Kai's eyebrow and the widening of his eyes.

"You're dead," Luhan says, louder this time, as he takes a step back. It is almost as if Luhan is answering his own doubts.

"No, I'm not dead." Luhan is about to turn around and sprint off in fear when he hears the reply. He freezes.

"I'm here, I'm a spirit," Kai continues, as he moves towards Luhan.

"Stop!" Luhan nearly shrieks. Thankfully, Kai stops. Luhan inhales a few deep breaths before continuing, "Please don't come near me." His sight is starting to blur as tears well up in his eyes.

"Are you scared, now that you know?" Kai asks quietly.

"Why are you here?" Luhan asks, because it's the only thing that comes to mind.

There's a pause as Kai looks as if he is contemplating how to reply. He presses on, "I'm Jongin. I'm not dead, I- I'm trapped here, trapped in my diary. I don't know why they trapped me here, but I think it has something to do with me being unable to let go.

"I died because I couldn't take it anymore. I told you before; I want to be a ballet dancer. This wasn't what I wanted. But before I died, I wanted someone to understand me, just one person is enough. I think that's why I'm trapped here, in my diary, in which all my emotions are written.

"I was trapped in the diary, until you came along and flipped it open," Kai turned back to look Luhan directly in the eyes, "and I'm glad you did, I'm glad it was _you_, because then I got to meet you."

Luhan is speechless, there is too much to take in. Kai turns — no, _Jongin_ turns, and Luhan hesitantly follows, turning to see what Jongin is staring at.

"My diary is in there, right where you left it," Jongin says as he fixes his gaze on the storeroom door. "Do you want to read it?"

Luhan turns back to Jongin, and he sees the sincerity in Jongin's eyes. So Luhan decides to trust him once more, and walks towards the storeroom.

The diary is filled with so much raw emotions that have Luhan holding his breath unconsciously. It feels almost as if Jongin was writing down Luhan's emotions as well. The loneliness, the despair, Luhan understands it all.

The last few pages of the diary is empty, save for a few dim patches, as if drops of water had fallen on the diary. Luhan turns to face Jongin once again, as his own tears fall from all the sadness he is reminded of.

This time, he doesn't move away from Jongin when Jongin steps towards him. He can almost feel his tears being brushed away as Jongin places his hand on Luhan's cheeks and uses his thumb to wipe at the tears. He can't truly feel Jongin, but _almost_, he imagines it's there. It is Jongin who breaks the silence.

"I'll take you somewhere far away."

Luhan knows he should feel frightened, yet he isn't.

"We'll live together forever."

Luhan knows he should run, but he doesn't.

"Meeting you is the best thing that's happened to me."

Luhan feels his breath catch, and realises it's true for him too: meeting Jongin is the best thing that’s happened to him.

"I love you."

Luhan finds himself nodding in agreement. Jongin lifts his free hand and caresses Luhan's face in both hands. It feels real, Luhan can almost feel his hands, his forehead aligned with Luhan's, his breath in Luhan's face; and when they kiss, Luhan can almost feel the slight touch to his lips.

Luhan knows he's too far gone.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Zhoumi's Goodbye; title is the last line of the song.


End file.
